What Do I Do When My Teen Finally Opens Up (and I Want to Fix It)?
You've been sensing there is a lot going on in your child's life and you're dying to know what's up. When your teen finally opens up, don't do what you usually do. It's just not working. At this moment, your sole job as a parent is to listen. I know the temptation is strong, intense even, to guide your child and to offer advice or to fix it right away. Unfortunately, that's the fastest way to push him or her away. If you want your teenager to keep sharing with you, demonstrating your ability to truly hear them without having an emotional firestorm yourself or issuing directives about next steps is crucial. Offering up your wisdom can wait. Really.
I get where you're coming from when you just can't help the advice-giving. It's entirely understandable to jump into problem-solving mode the moment your teen unveils their latest challenge with peers or schoolwork. You're behaving as most dedicated, loving parents would. But notice the reaction. Does your child go quiet? Do they avoid eye contact and instead flee to the safety of their room? If you want to keep the conversation going, instead of shutting it down, here's what to try instead.
Why does my teen stop talking the moment I try to help?
Teenagers have antennae up, screening not just your words but how you react. When your son or daughter opens up and reveals something sensitive or they feel vulnerable and you respond by telling them what to do to fix the situation, the message they receive is not “mom and dad are here to help.” Instead, they likely feel that “my parents don't think I can figure this out” or “I just made them worry about me” or “they are micromanaging me.”
An adolescent who doesn't feel trusted stops sharing. A teen who feels listened to shares more. Keeping that door open is key.
What is happening in your body when your teen tells you something hard?
Your desire to immediately make the situation better is laudable when your child reveals their latest obstacle. Of course you want to rescue a loved one from the pain of a challenging situation. It is profoundly uncomfortable to sit with a loved one who is struggling. We register it as a threat to safety, and naturally we want the threat to disappear as soon as possible. So we jump into fight or flight ourselves. Notice your physical response next time your teen shares a thorny challenge they're dealing with. Does your heart rate jump? Your stomach tighten or your shoulders hitch up?
Be aware that when you are dysregulated, you can't lend your calm to your dysregulated teen. Your kid thinks, “If mom or dad are freaking out, it must be really bad.” When you are upset, you toss gas on their flames. Your calm is the water for their fire. Fortunately, the ability to maintain a sense of calm is something you can get better at, and it benefits everyone around you.
The three-step move: Stop, Soften, See
I put together a quick guide for parents that need to calm down fast when faced with those I'm-about-to-lose-it moments. Here is the free Stop, Soften, See guide for parents. Grab it, print it out, tape it to the fridge or save it to your phone. Stop, Soften, See is a three-step nervous system practice for staying calm when your body is signaling danger. The best part is that it only takes 60 seconds. When your teen opens up, and you feel the strong urge to intervene, run it in order:
Stop. Before you start talking, pause. Breathe deeply and exhale slowly, really stretching it out. Unclench your jaw, roll out your shoulders. You are addressing the physical signs that this is a dangerous situation. It is not. There is no emergency. Reengage your thinking brain and leave the fight or flight reaction behind.
Soften. Soften your tone, relax your body and drop your agenda. This is the same person you cradled in your arms as a baby. Now they need you in a different capacity: less driver, more passenger. You don't need to land on a conclusion about next steps immediately.
See. See your teen's point of view, even if you disagree. You likely don't have the same reaction that they do about what's been going on, but their way of seeing the situation is still valid. There are no perfect words to say, but reflecting what you hear communicates that you've been listening. “That sounds like a really hard place to be.” “I totally get why that's upsetting you.”
What does “fixing” quietly cost your teen?
Each time you intervene to solve the latest crisis, to remove the obstacles and the discomfort, you teach your teen that they are incapable of doing hard things. You don't trust that they can figure out solutions to their problems. No one wants to feel incapable. As a consequence, they’ll stop coming to you at all.
There is a longer pattern underneath this too. Many of us fix because that is what was modeled for us. Maybe our parents trampled our desire to figure out what to do to solve our problems. So you learned that's just what a good parent does. They take over. They swoop in and solve. Children stay quietly loyal to the emotional patterns they grow up inside, a dynamic I call the Loyalty Bind. The good news is that the pattern is not fixed. When you change how you respond to your teen's pain, you change what gets passed down.
What do I actually say instead?
Some advice for parents who want to change the pattern that has calcified into something that's not working: talk less and reflect more. A few phrases that keep the door open:
“Tell me more about that.”
“That sounds truly tough. I'm glad you told me.”
“You don't have to figure this out right now. It's okay to take some time to think.”
“Do you want my help thinking it through, or do you just want me to listen?”
That last question is especially critical to keep in mind. It demonstrates your trust while giving your child agency. Likely, they'll say “just listen,” and listening turns out to be most helpful to making a decision about next steps.
What if I already jumped in and tried to fix it?
You repair. Modeling accountability when we make mistakes is a golden lesson for our kids. You will make mistakes. So will they. You are imperfect and still a good parent. Go back and say it plainly: “I jumped in earlier when you were telling me about your friend. I think you just wanted me to listen. Can you tell me the rest?”
You will undoubtedly get many chances to practice repairing. That isn't failure. That is parenting.
Frequently Asked Questions
What should I say when my teen tells me something upsetting?
Reflect first, solutions later. Saying something like “That sounds really hard, tell me more” keeps the dialogue going. Hold off on advice until they signal that they want it.
Should I give my teenager advice or just listen?
Ask them. The question “Do you want help thinking it through, or do you just want me to listen?” allows your teen to choose, and most of the time they want to be heard first. Connect with them through listening, and then feel out whether they want your perspective. They may or may not.
How do I stay calm when my teen tells me something scary?
Take 60 seconds to get regulated before responding: stop, soften and see. Pause, take one slow breath, and soften your posture. Try to understand your teen's perspective. Your calm is what allows your teen to feel comfortable enough to share, and it buys you the moment you need to respond instead of react.
My teen shut down after I reacted badly. Can I fix that?
Absolutely, through repair. Go back, acknowledge that you made a mistake, and invite them to continue. Repair after a rupture builds more trust than never rupturing at all.
For the younger-kid version of this same moment, read Olivia Bergeron's companion piece: What to do when your kid melts down and you want to fix it.
